That Would Be Me - serialisation of a chick lit (if you must) novel of neo colonialism and identity

That Would Be Me
Chapter Six


in which our heroine continues to make important allies, tries on another version of herself and is sprung in the execution of her compulsive ritual 

The day after Boxing Day she ran into Derwent. He was back from Cairns. 'Paul?'

'You know, from Sarajevo, he was in the hostel ... '

'Oh him! I don't know. He went off somewhere - Magnetic Island - with this American guy who had been in the Gulf War, or fighting Osama Bin Laden, or something. A bit of a hunk but really screwy, I think he was some kind of user, you know? How was Christmas? What are you doing for New Year?'

They were going to go to Engeneered together. It was to be held in a space that had been a furniture warehouse. Derwent knew the guy who was doing the lighting design and the main D J, Sailor, who would supply them with the necessary vitamin supplement.

She walked back to Therese's pleased, her brooding regrets about Ollie broken. What would she wear? Should she ask Cal? She hoped Michiyo would come.

She decided on cool and simple. She had the perfect shoes - lovely sandals, pink with low heels.

Cal was going, Michiyo gave her the money for the ticket and the drug but might turn up later.

She and Cal and Derwent and a friend of Derwent's, Opalene, met in a cafe. They sort of ate and took a tablet. God knows what it was. She snapped hers in half with a knife despite Derwent's protestations and was anxious as Cal tossed his into his mouth and beamed.

Then they went for drinks. The bar was very crowded and she felt completely at home. It was so easy to meet people and talk. She didn't want to leave. They were on the street fighting for a taxi.

They walked. Which was such fun.

Engeneered was dark and threatening with lights dashing like screeching wraiths. The music was an esoteric, highly refined version of what you would expect.

Derwent waved to the D J. 'Isn't she great? This is perfect to get things off. Off. Are you off? I'm getting off. Eeehad, it's happening. Is it happening for you? It is for Cal, isn't it mate? I can tell. You're a sly one.'

Cal's eyes were twinkling.

They were dancing.

The wraiths had become coloured spirits dancing with them.

She wanted to be by herself. To think. There was something she wanted to think about. She waved that she was going away for a moment.

As she turned she saw Ollie. Her heart almost stopped. He noticed a figure in the crowd freeze and focused. His gaze revealed his struggle to accommodate an appropriate attitude. She watched as anger, pain, pride swept his face. He managed a gallant nod and turned back to his dancing.

She was transfixed with regret.

Then she found herself making her way to the edge of the crowd.

She bought some water. And remembered she wanted to think about something.

She looked around. She felt cold. She wanted to go home. She wanted to be in bed with a cup of tea. She hated this party. She thought she would go back to England. She could probably pick up some courses when uni started again. She could be back into her course by the end of Hilary term. Lyntie would be there, they could get together, together.

A boy was standing in front of her, saying something. He seemed astonished and frightened. He began yelling. It was Lyntie.

Her vision panned. There was a security guard. 'Excuse me,' she said to Lynton.

She approached the security guard, Lynton shouting in her ear.

'Excuse me ma'am',' she addressed the burly woman, 'this man is harassing me.'

The security guard swung her attention onto the petite figure in the lovely top and short skirt. 'Is he? Leave the lady alone sir, she's not interested.'

Lyntie started to shout things.

She walked off. As she did she noticed the security making calm down gestures to Lyntie and then, as he was about to go after her, reach out to put a restraining arm on him. The last thing she saw was Lyntie knocking it aside.

She walked calmly away from Engeneered.

New Year erupted.

'Happy New Year,' she said to herself when she was on a well lit, busy road. She waved to some people in a car who had yelled greetings.

She unscrewed the cap of the water bottle and toasted the New Year. Oh, she remembered what she wanted to think about - some jewellery. She would steal it from the shop where she had bought Therese's necklace.

She made her way back to the bar they had started from.

She bought a drink and started to feel warm again. It was actually a hot night.

She looked around. The music crashed in on her. She moved a little to it. A girl next to her asked her where she was going. 'I've already been,' she replied. The girl cracked up and told all her friends. They all wanted her to say something again. She was asked if she wanted to go on with them, they were going to Engeneered. 'Oh,' she said, 'I've got to get back by two. I'm staying on a yacht and the launch is picking me up on the beach then.'

She told them she was from Nassau. She loved Sydney, thought she would stay. She felt the temperature drop, she had gone too far.

'Nassau? Where's that? Fiji?' one of the girls said.

She resolved not to overplay again.

They were gone. She was talking to some young queens. 'Why don't you go to Engeneered?' she said, 'I know ... I know some guys who are going and I think it could be your kind of space.'

'And what would that be?' the sharpest demanded.

Everyone was so paranoid tonight, it must be this drug. 'Oh you know, I think you've all taken what they've all taken.' Why should she care?

One of them screamed with laughter and two of the others joined in. The sharpest turned away.

'You're so cu-ute,' one of the queens said.

She moved away.

A leather queen was staring at her. He was big and hairy. He winked. She winked back.

She watched him approach. He had the lumber almost down.

'How're you tonight little lady?'

She thought about this. 'It hasn't been an auspicious start.'

He looked taken aback. 'What are you doing out and about by yourself?'

'I'm not.'

Again, he looked taken aback, glanced around. 'Where are your friends?'

'Everywhere.' And as he looked as though he was going to back off she said, 'You gotta cruise.'

He suddenly grinned, 'Too right.' There was a pause as he examined her. 'You're really cool.'

'I'm so thirsty,' she said, 'this water is not really doing it. What sort of beer is that?'

She watched him as he went off to the bar for her. She wished Michiyo would turn up. If only she'd brought her mobile, why had she been so afraid of losing it? Cal would be ... He did the walk better from behind. His bum looked cute peeping over the top of his leather strides beneath the chaps. She wondered how old he was.

She sipped the beer and wondered if this is what his piss would taste like.

'Who do you like here?' he asked, nodding at the crowd.

She looked around. They all looked like really silly nowhere people. A girl was brooding on a stool.

'Her. And you?'

'Really? Thanks.'

She didn't bother correcting him.

'Oh, did you mean ...? '

There was an almost awkward pause.

'He's O K,' he said. 'I'm looking for a play mate. To play some interesting games. All non penetrative. I'm not really into that.'

She nodded.

'Ever done anything like that?'

She thought she might tell him she'd never done anything at all like that but it seemed too much to say and implausible though at that moment she thought of herself as a virgin. She was a young girl, looking out through these worldly eyes.

She wondered what she could learn. She liked the idea of non-penetrative. She was over penetrative. What if she'd caught Aids from Ollie, or anything? What a fool she had been. How right she had been not to meet him again. She was swept by despair and regret. He had been so sweet. None of that could have happened. She must be hallucinating on this stupid drug Derwent had given her. She hated Derwent, he was just a stupid pusher with illusions of ... delusions of grandeur.

'That sounds interesting,' she said, 'but I ... you have to be in the mood.'

He pondered her and then nodded. 'Are you?'

'Not tonight.'

'Pity.'

After a while he moved off.

She left the bar.

Too slowly it became clear that there was not going to be a taxi.

She began the walk back to Therese's. It seemed endless. Sometimes she slipped her sandals off. She walked deliberately on the yellowest Moreton Bay figs; some of them burst deliciously against her soles. She sat next to a boy prostitute in a bus shelter. She prayed for a bus. She walked on. Looked at some clothes is a small designer shop; they might do for some occasion - a student event, say a ... She wondered if Australian students gave barbecue lunches at their parents' homes. Not the sort she intended to mix with. She was going to start crying about Lyntie, he had been so upset. He had been yelling about thinking she'd been kidnapped and killed. She couldn't cry here. She would cry at home. Please god don't let Therese be visible in any condition, she couldn't talk to her, didn't want to look at her, she could - not - say - a - word.

She was walking down the hill towards 'Longleat'. A cool breeze rustled in the leaves of the big Moreton Bay at the bottom of the hill and reached her. A fruit bat squealed. She felt relief. Soon she would be in bed, she would remember what she wanted to think about. All she had to do was get past Cerberus Therese. She would sleep. Tomorrow ... She would ring Cal after she'd rung Michiyo, late.

'Longleat' lay enchanted. As she walked its panelled corridor she became a princess returning to her chamber after a wearisome ball at which she had to dance gallantes and sarabands with suitors who did not suit. She sank onto an oak bench. She slipped off her sandals again to feel the cool of the terrazzo. Some people yahooed outside. She was safe. She was at peace. She would never leave 'Longleat'. Why did she go out tonight?

As she opened the door her mood was shattered by the reek of cigarettes and the whimperings of the TV. Therese was slumped in front of it on a strange falling forward position, her mouth was horribly open.

An excited thrill ran through her; Therese was dead.

She hesitated. First she should switch off the television which was giving her a headache. Then she should empty the ashtray which was giving her a headache. Then she should take the gin bottle away and wash the glass because it didn't look good. Then she would push Therese upright and call the ambulance. She would go into Therese's room and find the lapis necklace because she could return that tomorrow and ... No. Not return. She had other plans at that jewellers. What did she care about the necklace? It was Therese's.

She switched the T V off and went into her room. Then she went to the bathroom and very gently took off her makeup and moisturised her skin. The sunburn had faded. Her pupils were dilated. She would take a Valium and drink a litre of water.

She stepped through the living room carefully ignoring its occupant.

She sat up in bed with a glass of water. There was another beside her. She took the Valium. She sipped the water. She wondered if she ought to do something about Therese but that all seemed too difficult. She needed to sleep and think about something. In the morning it would be better. She could say she had wished Therese a happy New Year when she got in at .... two-thirty and ... It occurred to her that Therese had been drinking herself to death. She supposed she'd have to move. Now what ... ? She would get up and in the afternoon go into the jewellers and see what they had and how they had it. There must be some way ... Therese's body would have gone by then. When she rang the police she would ask for Robbie.

She got up and went to the bathroom. She glanced at Therese. She wondered if she should do something, it might not be too late. But Therese wanted to die. It was perfectly understandable, obviously it all got too hard eventually. She was probably very dead and the whole building - Lady Tierney - would be disturbed by the fuss. Ten o'clock tomorrow would be a much more reasonable time. She supposed she would have to ring Kath but she could manage that, after all. She could get Robbie to do it but it might be better to do it herself, she could say something to Kath ... something that would give the woman pause to reflect.

She woke feeling very well and then, at the sound of the television, remembered she had to deal with Therese.

She opened her window. The slight breeze smelled of rotten figs and some flower. She felt cool and safe, her sheets were smooth. Last night did not happen.

No Therese. No gin bottle. The room was clean. The window was open and the breeze blew a channel of freshness through.

'Happy New Year.'

She jumped.

'Didn't mean to startle you.'

'No. Oh, happy New Year. It's going to be a good one.'

Therese advanced with a mug of tea. 'If you say so. What did you get up to?'

'Oh I went out with some friends - to a warehouse party.' She was beginning to realise she felt very well, relaxed, radiant. She mustn't be too bright. 'They're probably still there.'

'Came in early did you?'

'Early? No, it must have been - oh, fourish. What time did you go to bed?'

'No idea. I didn't check. No fella?'

'Not last night.'

'That's the way. Take your time. No need to rush. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.'

Therese settled with her tea.

When she came out of the bathroom Therese had nodded off. Cigarette smoke was being whipped away by the breeze.

She thought she might go for a swim and then into town.

Coming back into the building after her swim she ran into Lady Tierney. She wished her happy New Year.

Lady Tierney invited her up for afternoon tea.

'I'm sorry but I am going into town to do some shopping.'

'I don't think the shops are open today dear. What was it you wanted?'

She explained she had been sent a cheque from England to buy some jewellery for Christmas and hadn't had a chance to choose a piece yet and she wanted to write and thank ...

'How sensible. But I don't think you'll find ... a good jeweller open. Tomorrow, everything will be open.'

Lady Tierney's flat took up the whole top floor of 'Longleat'. It was decorated superbly in its original furniture.

After they had settled she asked if she might look at the paintings. It was too soon but her breath had almost been taken away by the astonishing beauty of the room.

Lady Tierney accompanied her.

'They're all Australian, Michelle. Sir Hugh ... indulged my interest. Are you interested in art?'

She said she was, very interested but still only learning about Australian art.

'That's by Margaret Preston, she is my favourite. I believe she's fashionable again. I ... knew her when she wasn't and she was kind enough to allow me to view her wonderful work. She grew and developed, they all do. Some are better earlier in their careers. I like the Whitely there better than the things he did later on when he was famous. Miss Preston ... Look at this, she had such sympathy for the Aboriginals. No-one did at that time. She persuaded me to buy some ... Sir Hugh hit the roof but Miss Preston was right, of course. The framing cost more than the work.'

It was a bark painting of a lizard enclosed in a deep frame.

'Is it ... Did you buy it in ... How old would it be?'

'I don't think anyone knows. Margaret Preston bought it on one of her car trips into the middle of Australia. It must have been the sixties - the early sixties when I bought it, she was moving into a nursing home and rang me ... I had it framed in about 1963. I went to this fellow I knew in Beard Watson's - that was a beautiful store where I used to buy gifts and cards to send overseas. In those days the cards were all gaudy or funereal. This man used to import beautiful cards. I lost contact with him when he left Proud's. It's a jeweller's, he moved there after they closed Beard Watson's but ... ' she examined her guest for the briefest of moments.

As they sat over their tea she breathed in the heavenly scent of Lady Tierney's flat. It couldn't be potpourri, it was so subtle. Perhaps it was Lady's Tierney's talc, she would go to the bathroom before she left and check.

'And how is Mrs Sullivan?'

'Oh. She's ... She's not out and about much, she's a ... She pops down the road occasionally to the shop. We've had a quiet Christmas together.'

'I sometimes worry ...'

'Yes. She hasn't been very well lately.'

'About her of course but also about you. I fear there are times when it must be very difficult for a young woman to ... I am sure she's very grateful for your company and help. I know you do the shopping ... '

'There isn't much. I just get it delivered from the supermarket. I'm out most of the time. I work, you know.'

'Yes,' Lady Tierney said in a way that for a moment alarmed her. Just how much did this woman know?

'I'm afraid Therese is ... not out and about much. Lately.'

'If you ever need ... Always remember I'm here if you need to get away sometime. We old ones love the company of the young.'

She asked if she might use the bathroom.

It was vast. The tiles spellbound her. But she did remember to look in the cabinet. It contained a jar of cold cream and a bottle of eau de cologne. The scent was very faint. The bottle had probably been there since the fifties.

'I was admiring the tiles in your bathroom. Are they from the fifties?'

Lady Tierney looked surprised and then briefly annoyed then she said pleasantly and briskly, 'Oh no dear, this flat was built before the War. I think you'll find it's all deco - art deco, they call the style.'

'Oh, I know that.'

They adjourned to the lounge room. Lady Tierney asked if she'd care for a sherry, or ... something else? They settled on a whisky.

As she stood in Lady Tierney's foyer being bade good-bye she was again spell bound. 'I must take this with me, this must become part of me, ' she thought as Lady Tierney again said that if she ever needed to ... just have a little chat ...

She moved a little and thanked Lady Tierney. She said, 'May I just look at this lovely painting?'

Lady Tierney watched as she turned in the direction of the painting.

It was an interior looking out into the garden. Sunlight spilled from the garden into the room. On a table near the window stood a vase with a disarray of tall and tangled flowers, evidently picked from the garden.

She was there, in the room, looking out into the garden. She noticed the sunlight falling on the flagstones. She ordered herself to breathe it in, to take it in and make it part of herself. She was suffused with warmth and peace.

'It was painted by an artist who ... It must seem very old fashioned to you. My father bought it for my mother. D J's used to have a wonderful gallery in those days. I think it reminded him of his own home. It's from the twenties. It does seem to breathe the atmosphere of those times, don't you think?'

She turned just as she was about to go. 'Could you recommend a jeweller?'

'Oh dear, I only know one or two, jewellery was never .... They used to go to ... '

It was the very jeweller she had in mind.

The one who had sold her Therese's necklace was serving her. She had noticed a much older man and had preferred him. She would see how it went.

Doubtless they had cameras everywhere.

'Yes. I bought some jewellery from you before Christmas now I want to get something good.'

'I remember, the lapis lazuli necklace, for the beach.'

This was not good.

'I need something plainer, more serviceable for ... Lady Tierney suggested - thought I would find the right thing here.'

She was blundering.

She had awoken feeling depressed. Now she was irritable and her thinking was slow and unclear - Derwent and the drug he had pushed on them, whatever it was. She felt furious. She couldn't afford this sort of thing.

'Were you thinking of another necklace?'

The older man who had been hovering now approached. 'And how is Lady Tierney? So good to hear the fine old names being mentioned.'

She thought she managed the smile well - cool and a little sparkle. 'She's very well. I had tea with her yesterday. She did think this was the place to go for what I need.'

'And ... I'll serve Miss ... ?'

'Woodburn.'

'Miss Woodburn. You could look through some ... Did I hear you tell Rohan that you had a necklace in mind?'

'No.' She was rather pleased with Woodburn. God no, 'Michelle', would have been enough. Damn that drug. 'I am looking for a nice, plain, serviceable piece of jewellery to dress up a bit but not to make too much fuss.'

'I see.'

Rohan moved a little aside for the older man but made it obvious he was not leaving.

'Miss Woodburn - I served Miss Woodburn for Christmas - I believe she is very pleased with her selection.'

'Oh yes, thank you Rohan. Rohan was most helpful,' she assured the older man, 'but this time I want something ... a little less colourful - not gold, Rohan.'

They were both staring at her, fascinated.

Oh dear, not good at all.

She smiled back.

The older man pulled himself together. 'Was it for a special occasion? A wedding?'

'No. I just want some ... superb piece to dress me up when I feel like plain and simple. I hate all this fuss around.'

'Are we thinking of diamonds?'

'I think so, everything else is ... too much. Except emeralds. But they seem to ... want to do things with emeralds. A simple necklace or even the right bracelet.'

Rohan was on his way.

She and the older man browsed around the shop, considering. Rohan laid three velvet boxes on the counter. They took their time getting back to him.

She thought the first one was like something some new film star would have borrowed to wear to some second rate awards ceremony and refused trying it on. She allowed the older man to clasp the second around her neck.

'It sits quite nicely,' she conceded to the mirror Rohan had brought her.

'Rivière … ,' the older man breathed, ‘terminated – highlighted … dramatised by an Argyle diamond finial, Fancy Pink,’ indicating a pink diamond at the centre of the third necklace.

'Oh, I didn't know they had diamonds in Scotland.'

'No. They're Australian. You only get them in Australia. They're very rare.'

After he had unclasped it she sighed. 'Those two are very nice. But I need to think about what I really need. I would like to see some bracelets but today it would be too much. I'll drop in again. I need to think about it properly.'

'Of course. Put those away Rohan.'

'Do you mind if I just have another look around? It'll help me to form an idea.'

'Please.'

'I'm also thinking maybe of an Art Deco piece, something with a bit of atmosphere.'

'Well if Ms Woodburn is thinking of simple ... Art Deco does tend to be elaborate. But as madam wishes. We have a few estate pieces.'

Over tea in a cafe she was furious with herself. She had really fucked that up. She raged against Derwent and New Year's Eve. She could have done that a million times better, just cornered Rohan and kept her distance while working out a way of slipping something into her bag. Shit!  Now they knew her. To some degree. She would have to pop in again to smooth things over but obviously that place was a no go. She'd have to find some other place. O K. That was a better idea. She'd strike while they didn't recognise her. She'd find another place. She thought there was a likely one along Castlereagh Street. Maybe she'd be better going to a small establishment, maybe one in the suburbs. The Art Deco thing was a good idea, there must be very good second hand jewellery shops. She'd ask ... Someone. She really needed a local friend. Maybe some gay guy, not like that pathetic Derwent, someone who knew that sort of thing. Someone you could really talk to.

She'd never had a lot of friends.

She stopped off at a pharmacy chain store on her way back to Therese's and disconsolately dropped a tube of toothpaste and a bottle of eau de cologne in her bag.

The alarm went off and a security rushed up to ask her if she minded him looking in her bag.

'Of course not,' she said.

'Did you pay for these?'

'Oh. I was just thinking about buying them, I must have forgotten. I don't want that toothpaste, I was just thinking about it but I'll take the eau de cologne. How much is that?'

She interrupted the lecture with, 'I come here frequently, ask any of the girls. If a customer can't forget an item when they're in a rush without being accused ...  As if I would steal a tube of toothpaste and a bottle of cheap perfume. I just wanted it to give to my niece.'

She unsettled the manager enough for him to end by merely suggesting maybe it would be better if she shopped elsewhere in future.

As she gazed out of the train window at Woolloomooloo Bay she realised her heart was pounding. A small smile played on her cold lips.