THAT WOULD BE ME ix - serialisation of a chick lit (if you must) novel of neo colonialism and identity

That Would Be Me

Chapter 9

in which our heroine’s life becomes even more complicated and she finds more and more courage in deviousness and her new identity and in which she makes a film All Women Are Whores.

She made a beef stroganoff several days in advance for her Sunday evening with Therese.

Cal had tried to persuade her to stay with him after their afternoon together and she had been very tempted. They had had a wonderful time lunching with Michiyo and a Japanese man in Watson's Bay and then walking all around the Gap. The scrawny shrubbery was being blown flat by the strong wind, the waves tossed and crashed, trailing white veils. The air had filled them with strength and excitement.

Therese said, 'What's this?' picking up the spinach linguini she had prepared to accompany the beef stroganoff. It slithered from the fork back onto the plate.

She was furious and ate in silence.

The meal was not a success and she drank too much of the good white wine she had bought especially.

She woke with a bad head.

Therese was still passed out in front of the television which she had turned off after she had cleaned up the plentiful remains of the splendid meal.

She went into her room and called Dr Skelton. She left a message.

Dr Skelton rang back and asked what the problem was.

Containing a mounting rage, she told him that she was frightened that Therese would fall when she wasn't here and do herself some real damage. She then said she thought Therese ... He might want to have a look at Therese.

There was a silence then Dr Skelton said he would be there sometime between eleven fifteen and noon.

Therese had come to by then and had accepted a cup of tea. She was confused and looked like a battered rag doll.

Dr Skelton was quite an old man. He bowled past her and was at Therese in a moment. Therese submitted to his rough ministrations without question.

'Do you know who I am?' he barked.

'Of course. What do you take me for?' she said.

Without further ado he took out a hypodermic, plunged it into a phial, withdrew a clear liquid then plunged it into Therese's arm.

'Where's the phone?'

He called an ambulance and issued instructions. Then he made another call and issued more instructions.

'Pack her some things. The ambulance will be here in ten minutes. All she'll need is a couple of changes of underwear and a nightie. You can take her anything else she needs later on. Why did you let her get into this condition?' He shouted at her. 'You should have called me weeks ago.'

The rage shot out of her. 'Don't talk to me like that. I called you when I dared. How dare you come in here and behave like that? What I've just witnessed amounts to assault. Be careful or you might find yourself under investigation. You don't know who you're dealing with here, you low life fucking ... ' She was going to add 'scumbag' but saw her outburst was having the required effect.

'All right, all right, calm down. I thought ... Let's concentrate on the patient here. Will you pack her a few things? Just get a dressing gown over what she's got on, they can change her in the hospital.'

She accompanied Therese. It turned out to be the psychiatric ward of the local public hospital. Whatever Dr Skelton had injected into her made Therese very compliant.

She went on to the University.

From then on she visited Therese every day, either on her way to the University, or in the afternoon before going to the restaurant. She always took a magazine, flowers, some delicacy.

After a week Therese said, 'Dr Skelton saved my life.'

As far as she knew he hadn't seen Therese since his abrupt departure.

Over the next three weeks the colour returned to Therese's face and she began to fill out.

She escorted Therese home with a small suitcase and bag of medicines and instructions to make sure Therese got to outpatients once a week for a vitamin B shot.

When she got in that night it was as if Therese had never been away. There she was, sitting in front of the T V, smoking, gin and tonic bottles on the table beside her.

She stopped dead, utterly appalled. ‘How are you feeling Therese?’

'Much better.'

She had decided to make a documentary for Media Production. The University supplied her with a video camera which Cal scorned. He presented her with an exquisite one.

She set to work shooting people going to work. At one of her production seminars she was criticised for not seeking permission before capturing people. Another young woman agreed, yes she was as bad as Candid Camera, it’s unethical. This led to an intense discussion of the ethics of documentary making. Her case was forgotten in the clashes and corrections of points of view.

Lauren was in the same group. As they walked away from the class she asked Lauren if she thought what she was doing was unethical.

'They're ridiculous!' Lauren said, 'It's not as if anyone is going to see it.'

The work came with the editing. She laboured for weeks over her few minutes of tape. She had watched Leni Riefenstahl's film of the Berlin Olympics three times and was determined to give her seconds of women waiting at bus stops, trying to catch cabs, standing in queues to buy train tickets, hanging onto poles as train carriages swept in and out of stations, a fluid, dance-like quality. The whole was bound by shots of Allison from behind, sitting in a train seat, applying make-up then pinning her hair into respectability. The final shot was Allison, now immaculate, being approached by Lou dressed in a business suit on a deserted platform. He says a few words to her, she nods and they move off together.

Towards the end of the semester all the Media Production students gathered to watch one another's productions at a series of seminars. Their teachers assessed their efforts at these events. She invited Cal to the screening of her work. Her obsessive editing paid off; her video was much admired. One of the assessors, a very self-important young man who had got the job at the University on the strength of having worked on a few training videos said, 'You didn't shoot that with our equipment, what did you use?' She told him. His eyebrows shot up. 'What did you have to do to get hold of that?' She felt enraged, thinking she would have her revenge with a sexual harassment charge but managed not to respond. Cal glowed with pleasure. Lauren took the opportunity to offer the comment that she wasn't sure what the video was about, it seemed to make Allison look like she was going on a date with Lou but what had all the other women to do with it? At this several theory teachers exchanged glances. Lauren had just lost rank on their assessment scales. Dr Barbarolli, who was there to demonstrate her interest, cleared her throat importantly, 'I think we might consider the title of the work.' She had called it 'All Women are Whores'. Lauren realised she had blundered.

Lauren's video was called 'Visit to the Dentist'. She had persuaded Graeme to let her video him while he was doing a prac at the Dental Hospital. 'Visit ... ' showed a little Aboriginal boy waiting with his mother, going into the surgery, looking apprehensively at the equipment. Graeme, though trying to be reassuring, looms at him. It ends with the boy walking out and bursting into a huge smile. The student audience went 'Ohhh.' It was made with beautiful clarity. Lauren scored the highest marks for Video.

Allison's short film was the most popular of all the different media productions. It was called 'Practice'. It showed Macalister and his mates at footie training. The afternoon turned to dark. Allison's camera played over the last rays of the setting sun on the grass, illuminating the eager, youthful faces. Then the oval lights exploded across the dark screen and blazed, the young faces were now garish and desperate. After the training session the youths smoke and drink beer. The final shot was of them all lying around, apparently passed out. The arrangement of their bodies roughly suggested a flower. Allison had persuaded some of them into quite graceful poses; their arms seemed to reach towards their neighbour. The audience laughed and applauded. 'How did you get the crane shot?' the officious young video teacher asked. No-one liked him so when Allison said, 'I hired a crane,' everyone laughed.

She had to go to work after the seminar but she persuaded Cal to go on with the crowd to dinner and clubbing. He had a very good time with the students. The next day when she rang him he told her that Allison and Lauren were very nice to him. Lauren talked to him a lot. Lou was a great guy. She suppressed an urge to cross examine him on what he had told them but shrugged the urge off - she told herself she didn't care any more, she had other things to think about. She was overburdened with final assignment deadlines and the need to study for exams. She felt hysterical with fatigue. She told Mr Iriye she could not talk to any more special guests after the restaurant for a while. She could barely manage a smile and the simple banter required for her hostessing role.

Cal said, 'You should sell some shares now.' He told her which ones. Why? she wanted to know. Michiyo was selling hers, so she did the same. They made a considerable profit. She began to worry about explaining her bank balance again. She couldn't afford the time to go to auctions at the moment.

Therese had begun to decline again, had refused to attend the hospital for her vitamin shots. She thought of Dr Skelton with apprehension and, in desperation, told Therese she would cook dinner again for them on Sunday.

She had an exam on Wednesday. She resented every second she put into preparing the dinner but felt impelled to make good her offer.

It was the accustomed disaster. She drank whisky throughout in order to get through it. After dinner she began to prattle wildly. She told Therese how much she hated working in the restaurant, that it was wrecking her chances to do well at uni.

'Leave then,' Therese said.

'As you know I have financial commitments.'

'We all have those my girl, you'd better get used to them, they never go away. You seem to managing O K, I must say.'

'Only because I do special favours for some customers. I can't ... You know, after hours.'

Therese contemplated her hard. 'I thought you might be running a little business on the side, what with your clothes and ... ' Therese returned her attention to the T V.

She realised what she had said and fled to the kitchen and started to clean up. Neither of them had more than touched the meal she had prepared.

As she washed, dried and put things away, she contemplated her life with appalling drunken clarity. She would just have to go on.

She filled a jug with water and took it and a glass with her to her bedroom. On the way she said good night to Therese.

Therese was slumped in her chair.

She took a tranquilliser and began sipping her way through the water. Therese was so drunk she wouldn't even remember, she told herself. She would move out. No-one spoke to Therese in any case. No-one would believe her. She would dump Cal. And Michiyo. She would stop working in Mr Iriye's. She would go and see Mr Hidalgo and start working in Polka Dot as soon as uni was finished. She would buy some more jewellery. Maybe a diamond watch, no-one would notice that. Then she told herself not to be stupid.

Therese came out of the bathroom as she emerged from her room in the morning. She couldn't help giving her a look of hatred.

Therese stopped her on the way out. 'Don't worry I'll tell anyone,' she said, 'if that's what that look's about. I know a single girl has to do what she can for herself. Your secret's safe with me.'

Outside she decided she couldn't face uni. She walked down the road to the bus stop. She felt as though she was burning up with rage and remorse. Why, oh why, why, why had she been so stupid? If only she hadn't volunteered to make the meal in the first place, she knew she was exhausted. And if she had to do that couldn't she have stayed off the whisky? That was what was to blame.

Lady Tierney came towards her. As the old lady approached she burst into tears. Lady Tierney sat beside her in silence then rested a hand on hers.

'I'm sorry,' she sobbed, 'I can't stand it any more. The atmosphere ... and I've got exams.'

'You mustn't let anything interfere with your exams,' Lady Tierney said, 'have you some other place to go?'

'No. My aunt's in England, visiting Mum.'

On the bus Lady Tierney placed her hand on her hand. Lady Tierney suddenly rose and said she would get off now. 'Don't worry, we'll work something out.'

She watched Lady Tierney standing, peering anxiously after her as the bus bore her off.

She stole a packet of liquorice from a confectioner's. Went to a department store toilet and ate a piece. She carefully placed the packet in a tidy bin as she exited the store. Then she went to the jeweller's.

Rohan beat the older man to her but the older man called, 'And how is the lovely Ms Woodburn today?'

She instantly felt a lot better.

The diamond watches were all awful 'I was looking for something more discreet,' she told them.

'Would you like to see something rather special?' the older man, suddenly inspired, said.

She nodded.

It was perfect. A bracelet, a single strand of baguette diamonds.

'We're keeping it for someone special, such as yourself,' the older man said.

She tried it on. She had to have it.

'May I borrow a loupe?' She had read that Elizabeth Taylor never went anywhere without one in her handbag.

Both Rohan and the older man were taken aback but the older man said, 'Of course,' and indicated Rohan should fetch one. He rushed off to do so.

She was hypnotised by the magnified diamonds. She slowly drew them, one by one through the brilliant circle created by the loupe.

'As you see, the matching is sensational,' the older man said.

'Not only the carats,' Rohan said, 'but the colour and brilliance.

Her trance was broken by one, near the clasp, slightly duller than the others. She stopped, put the bracelet down and handed back the loupe.

She noticed the withering look the older man gave Rohan.

The older man was about to say something so she said, 'Not today. We'll talk about it some other time. Earrings today. I believe you promised me some lovely little emeralds.’

After she had chosen she said, 'I want to pay in cash, Can Rohan accompany me to the ATM?'

She handed Rohan the money to carry, saying, 'We'll work out what's what in the shop.' She had taken out more than the cost of the earrings. As they walked back together she asked Rohan about himself, his ambitions. He wanted to work in a jewellery shop on Fifth Avenue.

She went on to the university, barely giving a thought to the thousands of dollars worth of jewllery lying in her bag.

She clasped them to her ears for the second time that night after she had changed in the restaurant. She noticed Michiyo's glance of interest turning to admiration.

When she got back to Therese's that night there was a note from Lady Tierney asking her to pop up in the morning to see her.